“And it would have worked to if it weren’t for you pesky kids!” screams a rather upset Commander In Chief.
Will President Trump ever actually direct these words towards those pesky kids over at Chicago based Cards Against Humanity? Probably not but if it doesn’t happen, it surely won’t be do to a lack of effort on CAH’s part!
Cards Against Humanity announced on their website this week that they have purchased acres of land along the Mexican-United States border and retained a law firm that specializes in eminent domain in effort to halt the potential production of this massive (and expensive) project.
“Donald Trump is a preposterous golem who is afraid of Mexicans,” said Cards Against Humanity on its web site. “He is so afraid that he wants to build a twenty-billion dollar wall that everyone knows will accomplish nothing. So we’ve purchased a plot of vacant land on the border and retained a law firm specializing in eminent domain to make it as time-consuming and expensive as possible for the wall to get built.”
A portion of CAH’s funding for their wall blocking project is coming from their popular annual holiday surprise gift package sales. The $15 holiday package includes six days of gifts sent out through December and this year’s package sold out in a matter of hours.
“On Day 1, all Cards Against Humanity Saves America recipients will get an illustrated map of the land, a certificate of our promise to fight the wall, some new cards, and a few other surprises.”
The company also applied for a trademark for one of Trump’s favorite terms, “Fake News”.
If anybody reading this has never played Cards Against Humanity “party game for horrible people,” I highly suggest trying it out. It is a lot of fun, even while sober…
While we here in the United States like to think the world revolves around us (or, in some moronic cases, that the world is flat), it turns out we do not have the monopoly on defacing polarizing historical monuments.
The Moscow Times is reporting that pranksters in Bulgaria have been going around repainting Soviet era monuments to represent capitalists American super-heroes!
The monument in Sofia’s Lozenets district, was spray painted on the eve of the Bulgarian Socialist Party’s celebration of its 123rd anniversary to depict Superman, Santa Claus, Captain America, the Joker and others.
I honestly don’t know much about Bulgarian political history, but I am curious about any cause that is powerful enough to unite these diverse characters into a common cause. Maybe Putin canceled Christmas?
Whatever the cause, the Russian Embassy in Bulgaria is demanding that it be cleaned up, the dastardly vandals be punished and more security measures be put in place.
But lets also give credit where credit is due. That is some pretty nice graffiti work. From Cap’s little shield to Wolverine’s hands, that is some pretty good attention to detail.
While the Geeky Daddy Team does not have an international correspondent on staff (yet), we will do our best to keep you updated on this and other world events!
In the mean time, here is a video of cute baby pandas playing.
This article is not a political statement of any kind and is for entertainment purposes only.
By no means am I making a statement for or against the Trump administration, the Republican Party, the Democratic Party, any Star Trek Landing Party or speech podiums anywhere.
This is simply a list of fictional characters that I think would hold entertaining press conferences that I would tune in to watch…or at least DVR and watch late at night while feeding the baby.
History Professor Terguson from Back To School
Sam Kinison’s Professor Terguson going off on a profanity laced tangent, ripping the top off the presidential sealed podium and hurdling it at a Washington Post reporter would be worth the price of a general admission ticket by itself.
There were many funny parts of the movie Back To School, but this one has been immortalized.
Drago from Rocky IV
The “Donald” is all over the news, the Juice (O.J.) is loose, there is a lot of Karate Kid talk & the United States is butting heads with Russia. If you didn’t own a calendar, you’d swear it was the 80’s all over again. (what’s next? Women’s shoulder pads?)
And did anything scream “1980’s” more than the movie Rocky IV? (Hint: If you said anything other than “no”, you are wrong.)
With all the dialogue about this administrations ties to Russia (legit or not: this article is not here to judge), you knew Russia’s most famous fictional boxer was going to be making an appearance on this list somewhere.
Conan the Barbarian
While Conan’s skill set is probably more suited for Secretary of Defense (seriously, wouldn’t you think twice about going to war with a country knowing this dude commands their military?), he would be far more entertaining and provide many more memorable quotes, as Press Secretary.
If anyone is not familiar with Master Ken’s web series “Enter The Dojo“, you should really take a few minutes out of your work day (like during that conference call you aren’t paying attention during anyway) and check out a few of the episodes. Think of it as “Enter the Dragon” meets the “Office” meets a case of Bud Light.
Matt Page’s egocentric “Master Ken” is the self taught master of his own martial art style called “Ameri-Do-Te”, in which he has an 11th degree black belt!
In other words, he is the “Chuck Norris” of his own fictional reality.
Who could possibly make a better White House Press Secretary than that!?!
Macho Man Randy Savage
This would work best with the Macho Man of the late 1980’s with the crazy flamboyant wardrobe, that iconic entrance music and the lovely Miss Elizabeth escorting him out to the podium.
And to really top it off, lets embed Mean Gene Okerlund into press row just so we could have a sequel to the incoherent ramble that was his unforgettable “cream of the crop” promo…
A White House aid could even provide the press with complimentary Slim Jims!
Skeletor from Masters of the Universe
I would love to see Skeletor (skull capped staff in hand of course) waltz out to the podium to reveal the President’s new stance on global warming or economic policy and then field confrontational questions from the media.
You know he would slip up at some point and refer to the White House as “Snake Mountain” or Kellyanne Conway as “Evil-Lyn”.
And there has never been a better master of G-Rated insults than Skeletor!
Any Gilbert Gottfried character ever (they are all just as obnoxious)
I was trying to think of one Gilbert Gottfried character in particular to use here, but no iconic characters of his came to mind. Maybe the Aflac duck? Maybe Mr. Peabody from the Problem Child movies?
Then I realized why none in particular stood out. Because they were all the DAMN SAME OBNOXIOUS THING!
This hire would be brilliant for this administration because reporters would not want to ask Gottfried anything because no-one wants to hear that audible WMD of a voice come out of his mouth!
Foghorn Leghorn from Loony Toons
If you didn’t love the Loony Toons where Foghorn Leghorn matched wits with the little Chicken Hawk, well than Son, I say there Son, I am calling you communist right now!
I can just see Foghorn Leghorn now introducing to press row our new Secretary of Defense: Yosemite Sam!
Can’t you just picture one of the Trump kids backstage trying to bark orders at Foghorn and Foghorn talking back to them as if they were little Chicken Hawks?
The Narrator from The Dukes of Hazzard
Officially known as “The Balladeer” and voiced by Waylon Jennings, the omnipresent voice-over of the Balladeer would appear over a freeze-frame of a jumping bright orange General Lee Dodge Charger to interject a humorous line (or down-home country saying) just at the point of a cliffhanger (otherwise known as “commercial brake”)
Can’t you just picture a news reporter hitting the press secretary with some damning, “smoking gun” piece of evidence and a freeze frame appearing over Sean Spicer (obviously I wrote this before he was fired) with a voice over saying “UH-OH! How are them Trump boys gonna get outta this one!”
Anybody else notice Spicer looks a lot like the T-1000 from Terminator 2after one to many Krispy Kreme benders?
Jobu from Major League
He may not of been able to help Cerrano hit a curve ball in the movie Major League, but if you were a reporter and Jobu was up on the podium staring back at you, you know you’d be tossing up softball questions for him to answer.
Obviously we know what his answer would be to any question asked by the press.
But ask yourself, is it really any different than the canned, non-committal responses we get from politicians now?
Officer Zed from the Police Academy movies
Sherriff Buford T. Justice from Smokey & The Bandit
Teller (the mute from Penn & Teller)
The Brain (from Pinky & the Brain)
The Ultimate Warrior
C. Montgomery Burns
Stewie Griffin from Family Guy
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The bill was approved by the House of Representatives on March 7th and passed the Senate on February 17th. It does still need to be signed off by the President.
The $19.5 Billion bill applies to NASA projects for the fiscal year of 2017. Per IFLscience, some of the highlights from the bill include support for NASA’s journey to Mars. It states that the agency should work towards the “long-term goal of human missions near or on the surface of Mars in the 2030s”. This refers to the idea that early missions to Mars could involve landing on its moon Phobos, before eventually heading to its surface.
Once President Trump appoints a NASA administrator (Robert Lightfoot is still the acting administrator), they will be asked to submit an assessment on whether or not a manned mission to Mars in 2033 is in the strategic interest of the United States.
The bill also suggest a robotic mission to Europa should continue to be supported and other programs such as the Commercial Crew Program (funding for SpaceX, Boeing and other companies).
There is no mention of any Earth science however, which President Trump has previously mentioned he wanted to strip away from NASA. I would assume this means Trump is more likely to sign the bill.
Sidenote: How awesome is Buzz Aldrin? Not only was his name “Buzz”, he was the second human to walk on the moon, served in Congress and punched out “we never went to the moon” conspiracy idiot Bart Sibrel, but he also went on TV wearing this shirt!
And not just because he has a working Ghostbuster ghost trap.
Lan won a seat on San Jose’s city council running as an independent and does take the office position seriously, but he also understands the necessity of introducing some humor into modern politics (which we can all agree has become a gloomy place).
Well done Lan and wishing you the best in your new role as Councilman! You can follow him on Twitter @LTDiep.
Update: On Feb 2nd 2017 Comedy Central aired a portion of Lan’s swearing in on @Midnight with Chris Hardwick .
If you could be sworn in with any superhero weapon, what would you choose?