Candidate for Un-Fatherly Of The Year Award Learns Celebrating $96K Settlement With Hookers Is A Bad Idea

We are going to try out a new feature here at GeekyDaddy: Not Very Fatherly Friday!

unfatherly darth vader 1

Each week we will feature real world fathers who faired poorly at their fatherly duty.

Our inaugural un-fatherly father is 30-year-old Saul Mata Vellegas who took home $96,000 from a lawsuit involving a car accident.

Except, of course, he didn’t take it home.

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“Hey honey, the darnedest thing just happened.”

Rather then head home to his family, Vellegas decided to stuff all $96K in cash into a briefcase and head over to the Van Cortlandt Motel in the Bronx for a late night rendezvous with three charming hookers.

prostitutes
I’m sure they have hearts of gold.

The evening could only get better from there right?

Except of course, it didn’t.

Because, after seeing the briefcase full of $96K in cash, the prostitutes suggested that they call some of their friends over to bring beer and cigarettes.

By “friends“, we of course mean “gun toting men in ski masks” and by “bring beer and cigarettes“, we of course mean “rob at gun point.”

masked gun men

In a scene that must have looked like something straight out of a low budget Steven Segal movie, the masked, gun toting ‘friends’ rolled up in a black mini-van, relieved Vellegas of his cash stuffed luggage and peeled out of the parking lot! And just to add insult to injury, the prostitutes left with them!

out-for-justice
“Where’s Richie Madano?”

“I am haunted by this,” said Vellegas. “I keep playing it over in my mind. I was surprised they pulled a gun. I said ‘What is going on. I yelled help, help. I was depending on that money to move my family. I am nervous all the time now. I keep replaying it over and over. I see the weapon they used clearly over and over. I needed that money badly.”

New York police have released photos of the gun men, the three women and the mini-van used in this dastardly deed. All are being sought after for questioning.

Including the mini-van.

black mini van
“Have you seen this van?”





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Flat Earth Enthusiast ‘Mad’ Mike Hughes Finally Blasts Off!

Back in November, we wrote about the 61-year-old limousine driver, entrepreneur and amateur scientist (who doesn’t actually believe in science) named ‘Mad’ Mike Hughes and his attempt to fly his homemade rocket high enough to prove the Earth is flat.

mike hughes 2
What $20,000 and a whole lot of free time can buy you.

His attempts ran into a couple delays, including Federal Aviation Administration clearance and a broken motor in his mobile home/ rocket launcher, but with the proper paperwork filed and a few screws tightened, five months later we had lift off!

mike hughes lift off

The launch took place this past Saturday afternoon, March 24, 2018, in the Mojave Desert in California and sent ‘Mad’ Mike 1,875 feet into the sky in his homemade rocket.

coyote on rocket
How I pictured the launch in my head, not how it actually happened. I assume.

‘Mad’ Mike (seriously what better way is there to add credibility to your name than by adding an adjective like “Mad” in front of it?) built the rocket and custom launcher himself for a total investment of around $20,000, which he should be given plenty of credit for. That must have required an impressive amount of engineering and dedication.

However, if we look at the experiment from a simple return on investment point of view, a couple hundred dollars for an airline ticket would have been much more cost effective…and safer.

Just for a point of reference, the window seats on the Delta Airlines flight my family took to Cancun Mexico last month cruised at approximately 30,000 feet. That is roughly 16 times higher than the 1,875 foot altitude ‘Mad’ Mike’s rocket achieved.

And Lil’ G-Man got a free mini sombrero out of the trip!

Lil G-Man in Sombrero
Hola senior.

At least ‘Mad’ Mike did come out of the adventure (possible suicide attempt?) relatively uninjured…

mike hughes injured

As to his belief that the planet Earth is actually shaped like an IHOP pancake, Mike held firm in his interview with the Associated Press:

“I don’t believe in science” he said. “I know about aerodynamics and fluid dynamics and how things move through the air, about the certain size of rocket nozzles, and thrust, but that’s not science, that’s just a formula.”

He concluded with (what is sure to become a catch phrase or novelty t-shirt in the near future), There’s no difference between science and science fiction.” 

So, according to ‘Mad’ Mike’s logic, that would make Star Wars historical fiction!?! Afterall, it did happen “a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…”

bill nye

Side Note: Is it just me, or does it sound like this guy is applying for a science officer position in Trump’s cabinet?






Teen Crashes Into Test Office While Taking Driving Exam

You know how sometimes it is fun to kick back and reminisce about all those mindless stunts you pulled in high school and think “Man, I am lucky to still be alive!”

I remember in high school trying to help my buddy Jason learn to drive. His parents were to afraid to let him behind the wheel and after one driving lesson with him in the local Taco Bell parking lot….I understood why.

Taco Bell crash
No actually us, but could have been…

Well apparently Jason has a 17-year-old relative in Buffalo Minnesota.

According to the Buffalo Minnesota police department, a teen had this SUV in drive while they meant to back out of the parking space. If that is the case, this teen must have slammed the accelerator pretty darn hard, based on the damage to the SUV and the building!

buffalo driving test

The 60-year-old woman administering the test was taken to Buffalo Hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. The driver’ was unhurt, but I am sure is the butt of a lot of jokes at school this week.

Parents: Make sure you practice driving with your teen before they take the driving exam! I suggest an empty parking lot with no glass and brick buildings or pedestrian sidewalks nearby.


The Joy of Cooking: Porg Edition. The Top 5 Porg Recipes!

Regardless of whether you loved Star Wars: The Last Jedi or despised it, we can all agree on a couple things:

  • At least we were not subjected to the idiotic Jar Jar Binks or had our intelligence insulted with terms such as “Younglings” & “midichlorians”
  • The Porgs are pretty darn cute and look tasty!

One of the more entertaining scenes from the latest Star Wars movie was when everybody’s favorite Wookiee, Chewbecca, was roasting himself a Porg dinner over an open fire in full view of the Porg’s extended family.

porgs
“Is he roasting Daryl!?!”

Watching the scene made me laugh and wonder if the Disney merchandising machine hadn’t already struck a deal with Buffalo Wild Wings on a cross promotion (I may or may not have stopped for an order of wings on the way home from the theater).

But how would Porg taste? Like chicken? Duck? Is Porg “the other white meat”?

And what would be the best way to prepare a Porg dinner?

Here are Geeky Daddy’s Top 5 Recipes For Porg

1. Deep Fried Porg

turkey fryer
Turkey Fryers for the easiest prep!

Inserting the words “Deep Fried” in front of anything is pretty much guaranteed to make it taste better.

“Hey Dave, want to try a taste of this shoe leather?”

“What? No!”

“Are you sure? I just fried some up.”

“Well I guess I’ll give it a shot. A little taste can’t hurt.”

I’d imagine the prep would be pretty easy too! Snag a Turkey Fryer kit off our friends at Amazon.com and follow this simple recipe, replacing the turkey with our friendly neighborhood porg.

2. Porg Fajitas

fajitas

Who doesn’t love fajitas? There’s nothing better than the aroma and sizzling sound of a fresh plate of fajitas being served to your table! Especially when enjoyed with a fresh Colt 45 cerveza!

lando bar
“Hey Finn, say ‘Hi’ to your mom for me.”

Follow this recipe for some flavorful Porg Fajita (substituting the chicken for Porg obviously) and make sure to enjoy it with a beer out of this awesome Han Solo in Carbonite fridge available on ThinkGeek.com.

3. Porg Cordon Bleu

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I am not the biggest fan of French cuisine (I mean, how many uses for mayonnaise are there?), but any chance to combine chicken, ham, cheese and frying, I am game to try.

iron man gif

Porg Cordon Bleu (which translates to English as “Porg blue ribbon”) consists of Porg pounded flat and wrapped around ham & cheese, then pan or deep fried. Based on the size of the average Porg, these may end up being appetizers as opposed to a main course.

IMG_20171225_132808
“What are you doing Dave?”

Think of this as more of the “pizza roll” of the French cuisine Porg options.

2. BBQ Porg Wings

wings

Whether hitting the high end night clubs in the Cloud City of Bespin or a hole in the wall cantina full of scum and villainy on a middle of nowhere planet like Tatooine, there in no better bar food than wings!

Whether you enjoy Buffalo style, Korean BBQ or Habanero Mustard, it doesn’t really matter because you are going to end up spending time in the same scary cantina bathroom later on anyway…

bathroom

And who knows more about bar food, diner bathrooms and looking like a character out of a Sci-fi movie than Guy Fieri! What he lacks in fashion knowledge he makes up for in food knowledge!

guy1
How do you take anything this ICP reject-looking dude says seriously?
BBQ sauces
Available on Amazon.com

1. FRENCH’s Crispy Onion Porg

frenchs chicken big

How awesome are FRENCH’s crispy fried onions? As a simple cooking ingredient, a topping on a cheeseburger or by itself as a snack, so long as you don’t plan on making out with somebody in the next 20 minutes, it is the perfect food!

IMG_20171225_133007
“Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?”

This simple recipe (taken from FRENCH’s website) has only 4 ingredients, 2 of which are “Porg” and “Porg’s egg”.

french onion
Available on Amazon!

Why was Luke fishing with a 50 ft spear when he could be spending his years of self imposed exile munching on the delicacy that is porg meat? It’s not like that scene advanced the plot of the movie or anything…



Honorable Mention:

“Low-Odor Fried Porg Homestyle” From Japan

KFC Japan

Apparently commuters traveling home from the busy Shinjuku subway station in Tokyo Japan don’t enjoy the smell of deep fried chicken goodness after a long day’s work.

So the space age engineers at KFC developed an “low-odor” fried chicken that they are selling at a temporary KFC location within the Shinjuku train station.

KFC-Japanese-Christmas-Christmas-Chicken-Shop

So how about transitioning this technology into some “low-odor fried Porg”? Not that Luke needs to worry about upsetting any neighbors or anything, but still advancements in technology is a good thing right?

Right? Like technology to remote pilot a starship maybe? Or maybe A.I programs for self-driving cars that could reprogrammed for space cruisers…

vice admiral Holdo
“Why didn’t I think of that…”

What do you think? What Porg recipes that I leave off the list that you’d like to try?

Whiteboard Wednesday: Was Ming The Merciless Really A Sith Lord?

In our last edition of Whiteboard Wednesday we explored the hypothetical ‘What If’ scenario of if a firing squad of stormtroopers tried to kill Sean Bean.

whiteboard Wed

We came to the conclusion that the stormtroopers would still miss but Sean Bean with ever blaster bolt fired but he would still die horribly anyway.

In this week’s Whiteboard Wednesday, we are stepping away from Star Wars and into a movie that was green lit solely because of the financial success of Star Wars: Flash Gordon!

Flash Gordon
Flash! Ahhh!

Yes, we all know that Flash Gordon was actually around decades before Star Wars and the original Flash Gordon serials from 1936 were a huge influence for the George Lucas creation, but for this article, lets stick to the 1980 Flash Gordon feature film (with the incredible Queen soundtrack).

In the story, a New York Jet’s quarterback named Flash (which is actually plausible in today’s NFL) is whisked away to another galaxy ruled by an incredibly powerful evil emperor named Ming who is merciless. Flash, together with a few friends, some hawkmen and a future James Bond, must must battle Ming for the fate of the galaxy.

Side note: If you had to choose an NFL quarterback to save the Earth, I don’t think I’d be looking at the New York Jet’s roster. Just sayin’.

Looking at Ming and his evil abilities got us wondering though: Was Ming The Merciless Really A Sith Lord?

whiteboard ming

Lets look deeper into this mystery by considering the parallels between the evil Emperor Ming and the evil Sith lord Emperor Palpatine!

Both ruler’s had control over mystic super natural powers, that included telepathy among other abilities, but the similarities don’t end there…

Both Emperors had a fondness for red outfits:

Both were threatened by blond dudes with swords and questionable acting abilities:

Both had loyal disciples clad head-to-toe in black that enjoyed torturing the female leads and visiting scenic cloud cities:

So is Ming The Merciless Really A Lord of the Sith?

The Answer: No…but sort of.

Ming’s magical abilities were sourced through a mystic ring that he later turned on himself in homage to Obi Wan Kenobi’s quasi passing. However Palpatine’s abilities were NOT sourced through a ring but rather the Force, which surrounds and combines all living things. This leads us to only one logical conclusion:

Ming The Merciless Is Actually A Dark Lord Of The Schwartz!

Although it was later revealed in Spaceballs that “the ring was bupkis”, Ming may never have gotten that memo. Or did he. Remember the end of Flash Gordon…

FlashGordon-TheEnd
“Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha”

Side note: We mentioned the NFL’s roster of unique names earlier. The NFL actually has a player named “Mercilus” on the Houston Texans, but to my knowledge he has never tried to destroy the Earth.

Mercilus
“Sup?”


Whiteboard Wednesday: What If Sean Bean faced a firing squad of stormtroopers?

Happy Hump Day World!

This is the inaugural post of a new feature the Geeky Daddy team is putting together called Whiteboard Wednesday!

With each Whiteboard Wednesday post, Lil’ G-Man and I will attempt to deep dive into Geeky related hypothetical questions that make us go “hmmm…”.

This week we are looking into the curious “What if..” scenario of:

What if Sean Bean faced a firing squad of Imperial storm troopers?”

sean bean vs. storm troopers

Star Wars stormtroopers are known throughout the galaxy as the foot soldiers of the evil galactic empire and the Sith lords Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader. They are also more famously known for their comically horrible aim and inability to hit the broadside of Star Destroyer from close range.

Sean Bean is a very accomplished British actor known throughout geek-dom for his memorable roles as Boromir in Lord of the Rings movies and Eddard Stark in HBO’s Game of Thrones series, as well as appearing in movies such as GoldenEye, Troy, Equilibrium, Ronin and tons of voice-over work for television and video games.

Bean is also more famously known over the past 3 decades for dying in nearly all of his roles on screen in every conceivable way possible!

So this begs the question:

What if Sean Bean faced a firing squad composed solely of Imperial storm troopers?

Would the storm troopers miss the target so poorly that the firing squad eventually all hit themselves with “friendly fire”?

Would they simply continue firing and missing non-stop until Sean Bean died of old age?

Geeky Daddy’s theory:

The (attempted) execution would have taken place aboard the first Death Star. The storm troopers’first half dozen volleys or so would all comically miss Sean Bean, perforating the wall behind him. The right side of Sean’s mouth curls up into a lop-sided grin as he begins to think that he may escape alive.

Death-Star-I-copy_36ad2500

Unfortunately for him however, he is still Sean Bean. The execution is taking place mere moments before the proton torpedoes from Luke Skywalker’s X-Wing reached the 2 meter wide exhaust port igniting the chain reaction that destroyed the Death Star, killing all aboard. Including Sean Bean.

Game of Thrones Monopoly
Available on Amazon.com

California Man Plans to Launch Himself In Homemade Rocket To Prove The Earth Is Flat (Updated Nov. 24th)

Update 11/24/17:

Mike Hughes has been forced to push his launch (attempted suicide) back a couple days due to two issues: Clearance from the Bureau of Land Management (since his original launch site was on public land) and a broken motor in his mobile launch center (modified mobile home).

The speed bump with the permission from the BLM was contingent on approval from the Federal Aviation Administration since obviously the FAA needs to make sure Hughes flight path does not interfere with other aircraft.

 

 

hughes rocket launcher
It does look rather SCUD missile-ish.

Neither agency has commented on what the exact hiccup is, but Hughes has found a way to circumvent the issue by moving his launch site to a private property near his original site.

“It’s still happening. We’re just moving it three miles down the road,” Hughes told The Washington Post on Friday. “This is what happens any time you have to deal with any kind of government agency.”

What is that I just smelled? Could it be the stench of a government cover-up???

Hughes plans on his re-scheduled launch happening sometime around Tuesday, so we will be checking Wednesday’s obituaries to see how his flight went.


 

My Original title for this was “California Man Plans Launch In Homemade Rocket To Prove He Is Really Wile E. Coyote”.

Mike Hughes, a 61-year-old limousine driver with no official engineering experience, is planning to launch himself over the Mojave desert in his homemade rocket this Saturday. It is his first step toward proving the “world is flat” and to “shut the door on this ball Earth” theory.

mike hughes 2

He hopes his homemade steam-powered rocket (launched from it’s base of a heavily converted mobile home) will reach an altitude of 1,800 ft and safely fall back to the flat Earth below.

Hughes longterm goal is to launch himself a mile up into the atmosphere and take a picture of the disc shaped Earth below.

No one is entirely sure what a flat or disc shaped Earth would look like from space. Maybe a ring of ice holds in the oceans?

To assist with funding the $20,000 rocket, he has enlisted the help of the flat Earth community through social media and crowd funding sites such as GoFundMe.com.

The entrepreneur has even started a Kickstarter campaign in an effort to raise $150,000 for his quest. The campaign is currently hovering around $310 with 2 backers.

“We were kind of looking for new sponsors for this. And I’m a believer in the flat Earth,” Hughes said. “I researched it for several months.” 



No word yet if either of Kickstarter backers is the “ACME” brand made famous in Looney Toons videos Hughes may have mistaken as “instructional videos”.

coyote on rocket

In this video of his third test fire of the rocket engine, his crew was able to successfully test fire the engine, after spending around 45 seconds trying to determine whether or not the camera was turned on (even comically waving a hand over the lens as a sure fire camera test).

It is important to note that Hughes will not be able to fully test his rocket prior to strapping himself in for the 500 MPH flight this Saturday but he does plan on tinkering with it right up until countdown.

But don’t sell the determination of Mad Mike Hughes short however, per Ars Technica, he is a Guinness World Record holder for a limousine jump in 2002!

All joking and sarcasm aside, I do wish Mr. Hughes a successful launch and safe landing…in his rocket built upon round Earth science.

Please check back next week as we plan on updating with post launch news!

flat earth
Book available on Amazon.com

U.S. Navy Pilot Leaves His Mark In The Sky Above Washington

You know how some people look up in the clouds and see things like cute bunny rabbits, horses or Godzilla?

Well on Thursday afternoon, the people of central Washington got an eyeful of something else when they peered up into the heavens courtesy of a U.S. Navy aircrew out of Whidbey Island (per local CBS affiliate).

arieal schlonge
Is that Ron Jeremy?

However the U.S. Navy is not finding this embarrassing P.R. incident as funny as Twitter land did.

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“The Navy holds its aircrew to the highest standards and we find this absolutely unacceptable, of zero training value,” Navy officials told KREM. “We are holding the crew accountable.”

No word yet on exactly what inspired the aircrew to leave this work of art in the sky blue canvas over Washington.
Maybe Maverick and Goose were upset that the tower denied their request for a fly by?

Cards Against Humanity Has Plans To Stop Trump’s Wall From Being Built!

“And it would have worked to if it weren’t for you pesky kids!” screams a rather upset Commander In Chief.

Will President Trump ever actually direct these words towards those pesky kids over at Chicago based Cards Against Humanity? Probably not but if it doesn’t happen, it surely won’t be do to a lack of effort on CAH’s part!

trumps cards 2
Probably “Fake News”

Cards Against Humanity announced on their website this week that they have purchased acres of land along the Mexican-United States border and retained a law firm that specializes in eminent domain in effort to halt the potential production of this massive (and expensive) project.

“Donald Trump is a preposterous golem who is afraid of Mexicans,” said Cards Against Humanity on its web site. “He is so afraid that he wants to build a twenty-billion dollar wall that everyone knows will accomplish nothing. So we’ve purchased a plot of vacant land on the border and retained a law firm specializing in eminent domain to make it as time-consuming and expensive as possible for the wall to get built.”

A portion of CAH’s funding for their wall blocking project is coming from their popular annual holiday surprise gift package sales. The $15 holiday package includes six days of gifts sent out through December and this year’s package sold out in a matter of hours.

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“On Day 1, all Cards Against Humanity Saves America recipients will get an illustrated map of the land, a certificate of our promise to fight the wall, some new cards, and a few other surprises.”

cards against humnaity
Available on Amazon.com!

The company also applied for a trademark for one of Trump’s favorite terms, “Fake News”.

If anybody reading this has never played Cards Against Humanity “party game for horrible people,” I highly suggest trying it out. It is a lot of fun, even while sober…

cards



Monday Morning Meme Me With Grayson For October 23rd

Merry Monday everyone!

After taking a week off, we are back with a new Monday Morning Meme Me With Grayson.

We found a cute little bomber jacket on sale for G this winter, little did we know that the weather would refuse to drop below 70 degrees after we made the purchase. Oh well, I’m sure it will cool off  soon.

Please remember to vote for your favorite!

Option A

Meme Oct 23rd 1

Option B

meme Oct 23rd 2

Option C

meme oct 23rd 3

And the Winner from a fortnight ago:

meme oct 9th 1

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Baby Bomber Jackets Available At Amazon.com!
Screen Shot 2017-10-22 at 11.21.02 PM
Baby Bomber Jackets Available at AliExpress.com