Over the past decade or so, faith in our politicians has gradually fallen further and further. I am not going to take sides or say one is better than the other, although I do believe they both have the same corporations interest in mind well ahead of ours…
With that out of the way, lets lighten the mood and review The Top 15 Things I Trust More Than Politicians:
15. A Nigerian Prince Who Needs My Help!
After watching the historical documentaries Coming to America and Black Panther, I am convinced that it is in our best interest to assist these African Princes who need our help!
And while I still don’t know how they got my email, I am more determined than ever to help those less fortunate than myself.
14. Ads On Porn Hub For Local Women That Want To Have Sex With Me!
Thanks to my ‘Dad Bod‘ I thought I lost a bit of my sex appeal, but apparently a whole lot of very attractive married women with healthy sexual appetites want to have sex with me!
And the best part, according to the advertising, they all conveniently live within a 5 mile radius of my house! Things are looking up for this Geeky Daddy!
13. Dollar Store Condoms
If there were ever a list of products you did not want to purchase from a national discount chain that were manufactured overseas by the lowest bidder and shipped without expiration dates, contraceptives would be towards the top of the list.
Along with medications, car brakes and toilet paper. Never ever buy cheap toilet paper.
12. WebMD Telling Me That Literally Anything I Might Have Is Terminal.
I understand the need for defensive medicine and to maintain a C.Y.A. mentality in this “Sue first, ask questions later” world we live in.
That being said, I could seriously type in the description of a sprained pinky toe and WebMD will tell me I better get my affairs in order.
11. Donald Trump’s Barber
I’m just going to let a picture speak a thousand words on this one…
9. My Uber Driver Assuring Me He Knows A Better Route Than Google Maps
G.P.S. navigation systems have come a long way in the past couple years. They can incorporate up to the minute construction data from the Department of Transportation and real time traffic info from other users.
So regardless of what your Uber driver “Sam” (as if that is his real name) tells you, trust the billion dollar navigation system over the dude with 7-11 taquito breath.
8. An Imperial Storm Trooper’s Aim
I could bombard you with memes I’ve accumulated from Facebook, but lets keep this short.
Of all the firing the stormtroopers did in the movie Star Wars: A New Hope, the only one to hit anything was the dude who hit his head on a door.
7. An Evening News Broadcast From Pyongyang North Korea
The term “Fake News” is used quite a bit nowadays and various media companies are definitely guilty of sensationalizing and skew-ing their product to push their own narrative.
But none more so than KCNA (Korean Central News Agency) out of the North Korean communist capital of Pyongyang. Unless, of course, you believe that in 2014 that they were able to successfully LAND A MAN ON THE FRIGGIN’ SUN!!!
If you are wondering how the astronaut possibly survived, “the 17-year-old ‘space explorer’ travelled at night to avoid being engulfed by the suns rays, and that this genius approach has brought the soviet state to the top of the global space rankings.” Brilliant!!!
6. Flat Earth Theorist
I wrote previously about Mad Mike Hughes and his attempts to travel high enough to get his own picture of the Earth to prove how flat it is.
He was not successful, but the altitude he hoped to hit after investing $20,000 was only 2,000 ft. I was on a Delta flight that cruised at 30,000 ft and I only paid around $400 for the ticket…
And what do Flat Earthers have against Australia anyway? I’ve done numerous searches and still have no idea why they refuse to believe in the existence of the ‘land down under’ (I.E. British Texas). Where do they think Hugh Jackman came from anyway?
5. Facebook’s Privacy Settings
Have you ever been worried that everything you do online is tracked and ‘big brother’ is always watching? That is because it is and they are.
All jokes aside, if you are worried that what you are doing online could be used against you in any way, you probably shouldn’t be doing it online.
Whenever a product is free, that means YOU are the product. You don’t like it, simply don’t use it.
4. A Used Mattress Offered For Free On CraigsList
Nothing screams “Trustworthy” like a transaction completed in a Walmart parking lot with a shady mullet topped dude you met on CraigsList.
Especially one that confidently re-assures you “not to worry about those stains. They are just mustard and ketchup….probably.”
3. Undated Gas Station Sushi
Dated gas station sushi is already suspect.
Unless you are anxious to experience explosive diarrhea and all the joy that comes with it, undated gas station sushi that the attendant is “pretty sure isn’t too old”, is a flat out NO.
2. A Hipster Telling Me “It Sounds Better On Vinyl”
No, it doesn’t. It just doesn’t.
I know it is not the cool thing to say, but put down the ‘old fashioned’, take off the fedora, trim your beard and just admit the truth. Digital sounds better!
1. Flirtatious Red-Headed Strippers Named After Abstract Concepts Like Destiny Or Karma
(This also relates to #13 on this list)!
A good rule of thumb to remember: If she works for tips, she probably isn’t all that into you.
What did you think of my list? What trustworthy items did I miss? Which items on my list do you think don’t belong and actually find trustworthy? (Hopefully not the sushi)
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