Which G.I. Joe Would Throw The Best Bachelor Party? And Why It Would Be Shipwreck!

I have put together multiple G.I. Joe Lists in the past, including The Top G.I. Joes You DON”T Want To Go Into Combat With.

“I’ll distract the Vipers by asking them to smile for my camera!”

Here I thought I’d try something a little different…

Most of us that have gotten married had a Bachelor Party planned by a buddy, with varying degrees of success.

Much like how UFC’s Dana White would say “Styles make fights,” I’ve always thought “Personalities make parties.” The buddy just returning from his Mormon Mission in Africa is probably not going to throw as wild a bash as the buddy that blows his entire paycheck at the strip club every Friday night…(cough…Shipwreck…cough).

So with that in mind…


10. Flint

Planning a good party is similar to planning any good military operation. It takes a great leader with organizational skills, confidence and charisma.

A cool beret helps too…

9. Quick Kick

He is funny, a sports fan, has connections in Hollywood and his parents own a liquor store!

If you were assembling a “Bachelor Party Planner” in an RPG game, Quick Kick would check all the boxes!

8. Major Altitude

This honestly has nothing to do with the actual character Major Altitude. There was a kid in my high school that was perpetually ‘high as a kite’ that we used to jokingly referred to as “Major Altitude.” Whenever I see this Joe, I always think of him.

He knew all the pretty girls, had a seemingly endless supply of ‘wacky tobaccy’ and could throw a killer party. (Anyone I went to high school with who is reading this, probably knows who I’m talking about.)

7. Dee-Jay

While Dee-Jay is known mostly as the ‘Peg Warmer” of the G.I. Joe toy line, this guy was supposedly “the most popular DJ in Boston” before joining the military. So theoretically he should know how to keep the party going well into the early morning hours.

6. Ace

Ace is the closest thing to Val Kilmer’s Top Gun character Ice Man in the Joe-verse: Cool, good looking and knows all the right moves around the ladies.

So long as he doesn’t organize the bachelor party into shirtless homo-erotic sausage fest beach volley ball game like he did in 1986.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, if that is your thing…

5. Lt. Falcon

Falcon was voiced in the animated movie by Don Johnson when Don Johnson was at his Miami Vice Don Johnson-est!

If anyone could pick up some ladies at the club, it is this guy!

4. Alpine

Alpine is basically the Lando Calrissiam of the Joe-verse. A smooth talker with a cool mustache who probably cheats at poker every chance he gets, has lots of ‘legitimate business‘ connections and hopefully knows where to score the best deals on the best malt liquors!

He and Bazooka also made one heck of a comedy duo!

3. Cover Girl

Cover Girl (who had straight blonde hair in the pilot cartoon) is supermodel attractive, can completely rebuild a naturally aspirated 8-cylinder engine and is fluent with multiple types of firearms. She is basically ‘just one of the guys‘ but…you know…really hot.

She also has a bunch of supermodel lady friends she could invite over to moonlight as servers….and perform other such duties….

2. Roadblock

Roadblock can whip up some amazing bar food and can emcee with some really sick rhymes to keep the good times rolling.

And can you possibly think of a better bouncer to keep your over-served future brother-in-law in line?

1. Shipwreck

We first met Shipwreck (the animated version) in a bar, so that is obviously a good start.

Plus you know this guy has connections at every strip club up and down the west coast, not to mention he is probably on first name basis with most of the gentlemen’s club performers across the south Pacific….

If you doubt his skillz in the least, remember he is also the only Joe to score with a legit mermaid! That we know of, at least…

From the Pyramid of Darkness mini-series

Honorable Mentions: Snow Job, Clutch

Dishonorable Mention: Life Line

Seriously, a bachelor party to this guy is probable a half dozen non-alcoholic wine coolers and a veggie tray while binge watching the latest season of Chicago Med on Peacock.

Who are some other Joes that you think could plan a killer bachelor party? Let me know in the comments!

And make sure to check out some of my other G.I. Joe content including:

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