Real Vintage Baby Products That Would Horrify Parents Today

The world has changed a lot in the past few decades. Some changes have been for the better (advances in medications and communication). Some, not so much…(Looking at you Facebook).

One of the areas of great improvements has been in child safety. Whether policy, corporate or consumer driven, I think we can all agree, the market for baby products has come a long way from a few of these mind-numbingly designed ideas. Are you ready to make your toddler thankful they weren’t born 50 years ago?

Here are some Real Vintage Baby Products That Would Horrify Parents Today!

(Note to readers: if you purchase something through one of our affiliate links we may earn a commission. And we would be extremely appreciative of it.)

Lets Take Baby For A Drive

Most of the people reading this probably remember cars pre-airbags, when the only thing protecting your skull from slamming into a steel dashboard was a coat of paint.

All parents know at least one other parent that they refer to as the “Crazy Car Seat Parent.”

And just to be clear, if you don’t refer to another parent as the “Crazy Car Seat Parent,” that means that they refer to you as the “Crazy Car Seat Parent!”

In either case, share this article with your parent friends so they can gasp at how people used to transport babies and toddlers in their automobiles.

The “Lull-A-Baby” Car Hammock

While on the subject of transporting babies, I present to you the “Lull-A-Baby” Car Hammock!

Ok, how exactly is the “rear vision not impaired?” The baby is literally blocking the entire length of the rear window!?!

And it’s all fun & games until you hit the first Michigan pot hole in the road and the baby is sling shot directly out the open sunroof…

Baby Window Cage

Image credit: Getty Images

Good God! Even the baby is looking at his parents like “Are you $#!TTING me with this!?!

The logic here was to give the baby some ‘fresh air.’ Because, you know, nothing says ‘fresh air’ like the carbon dioxide from the leaded gasoline car exhaust fumes below.

Never Too Early For Gun (Lack Of) Safety!

Wow. I’m still stuck on the “Papa says it won’t hurt me” line while her thumb is literally in front of the barrel.

You know that creepy doll is whispering some bad intentions into that little girl’s ear…

I was curious what the safety feature was with these firearms that made them “Accidental Discharge Impossible” so I did some digging and it sounds like semantic B.S. to me. It really should say “Accidental Discharge (should theoretically be) Impossible without a trigger pull.”

Basically, a safety pin blocks the hammer from striking the firing pin UNTIL a high enough level of tension to put the trigger.

The assumption, I’m guessing, is that a toddler doesn’t posses enough grip strength to successfully pull the trigger hard enough to fire the weapon.

To which my only response is “Apparently the folks at Iver Johnson never tried to pry a Matchbox Car out of my 2-year-old’s hand.”

Side Note: While researching Iver Johnson I learned that their firearms were used in the assassination of President William McKinley, the assassination of Presidential candidate Senator Robert Kennedy (United States Revolver Company, a subsidiary of Iver Johnson) and the attempted assassination of President Franklin D. Roosevelt (which resulted in the assassination of Chicago Mayor Anton Cermak). Yikes, someone needs to speak with Iver Johnson about the concept of ‘brand safety.’

Baby Alice Thumb Guard

The “Baby Alice Thumb Guard” looks like it was developed by the same people who developed the instruments of the Spanish Inquisition.

What could be more “sanitary” than a metal wire that is all but guaranteed to rust in your baby’s mouth?

And how could your baby possibly suck his thumb if the Baby Alice gets twisted to the point it cuts off all circulation to the thumb resulting in the thumb falling off?

Cocaine Toothache Drops

If you thought that said “Cocaine,” that is simply because it said “COCAINE!”

Bear in mind, this was also around the time Coca-Cola contained cocaine as well.

Role Models was hilarious

Actually, to be fair, cocaine was kind of like the high fructose corn syrup of the late 1800’s. It just sort of found its way into any product manufacturers wanted to taste better.

And by “taste better” I of course mean “make their customers addicted to.”

Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup

What was Mrs. Winslow’s secret ingredient? Why the Tylenol of the 19th Century of course: Morphine!

Morphine was like the Frank’s Red Hot of the 1800’s. “I put that (blank) on everything.”

Just Like Eli!

What did you think of some of these crazy baby products?

Let me know in the comments below!

And, as always, any Comments, Likes and Shares are greatly appreciated!

1 Comment

  1. I would have loved the baby slingshot, err hammock, when I was a kid, because I can still remember trying to get some shuteye in the back window of my parents car and how uncomfortable it was!
    And the baby cage reminds me of the present day rock climbers that sleep in tents attached to the side of a mountain. Uhh, no thanks.

    Like

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