This is the second in a series of Top Ten Best Mustaches we put together in Celebration of Movember!
Movember is an annual event involving the growing of mustaches during the month of November to raise awareness of men’s health issues, such as prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and men’s suicide. The Movember Foundation runs the Movember charity event and donations can be made at Movember.com
This week we are taking a look at my favorite toy line from my childhood with The Top Ten Mustaches From G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero!
(Obviously, there were a lot more than just 10 quality mustaches in the line, this list will simply be my objective favorites. Yours may vary. And Don’t Forget To Check Out My Other G.I. Joe Lists!)
10 Sgt. Slaughter
The sculptor of the Sgt. Slaughter action figure head deserves credit for nailing the likeness to the real Sgt. Slaughter. The thin lips, pronounced chin and mustache are all present.
Side note: while the sculptor did a terrific job keeping the head sculpt close to the source material, they took some serious liberties with the Sgt. Slaughter‘s body by enhancing his arms, abs and (man-boobed) chest…
9 Rock Viper
There is nothing particularly remarkable about this Rock Viper‘s mustache, it would be right at home on the face of a used car salesman in 1978.
But then you stop and remember that the Rock Viper (as with all Cobra Vipers) is meant to be a ‘troop builder’ action figure. So is the facial hair part of the uniform? Is every Rock Viper required to grow the exact same ‘stache? Should they have been retitled these troops the “Mustache Vipers?”
Honestly, I checked out of the G.I. Joe line about this time. The influence from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was strongly felt through Space Brigades, ninjas with pink neon colored weapons and enemies wearing pin-striped Zoot suits and fedora hats.
Headman, who sported a Lone Ranger inspired mask and Fu Manchu (ish) beard, was more at home in a Green Hornet comic book than a G.I. Joe line.
Look out Cobra! Here comes the absolute least tactical ninja since Chris Farley: Dojo (some creator must have spent moments thinking that name up)!
Dojo somehow combined the least tactical facial hair possible (easily grab-able Fu Manchu chin hair) with the least tactical hair cut possible (near butt length easy to grab pony tail) with the least tactical outfit possible (with an easy to get snagged ankle-length yellow sash). Can somebody please tell him there is a reason why police officers wear clip-on ties!
And, off topic, but I mean ninjas generally operate at night, right? That ‘whole blend into the shadows and be invisible‘ type thing? Well what could possibly blend into the darkness of night worse than white painters pants and bright blue shirt accented with Crayola Center Of The Sun Yellow colored belt, harness, grenades (neon grenades!?!) and pointless mask?
The Dreadnok Zanzibar is what happens when you combine G.I. Joe with Pirates Of The Caribbean with way too many NOS energy drinks at 3 A.M.
The unique mustache, long flowing top knot haircut, eye patch and crop top t-shirt combines for a look that puts Zanzibar right at home drinking rum on a pirate ship, slamming grape soda in a Dreadnok hangout….or sipping an appletini is a gay bar during Mardi Gras.
5 Wild Bill
You knew G.I. Joe’s favorite Air cavalry man was going to be on this list somewhere, and here he is!
While I am not a huge fan of the hair color, I do love how Wild Bill‘s cavalry hat, aviator sunglasses and thick mustache make him the perfect blend of Lieutenant Colonel Kilgore from Apocalypse Now and Wilford Brimley for literally anything Wilford Brimley has ever done.
Seriously, how did Bimley look 70 years old for 70 years?
No bad jokes here. I genuinely like Recondo’s under nose bristles. Sort of a hybrid of the best parts of a handle-bar mustache and thick Tom Selleck-ish mustache!
3 Dr. Mindbender
Lets run through the evil, mad scientist checklist: Shaved head? check. Single monocle? Check. Flowing black cape? Check. Wrath of Kahn inspired plastic chiseled muscular chest? check. And, of course, one think bushy mustache.
Dr. Mindbender Aced this report card!
2 Major Bludd
Any good cold war terrorist team needs to include at least 1 mercenary from a former British colony.
Enter Major Sebastian Bludd!
While not the most unique of all the facial hairs from the G.I.Joe: A Real American Hero line, I always thought the sinister looking long tailed ebony mustache fit the criminally under-used character of Major Bludd perfectly well!
1B Gnawgahyde / 1B Ambush
Ambush and Gnawgahyde both share the same the same mustache, but Gnawgahyde gets the slight edge for going all out with a more manicured look and pulling off that look with a shaved head!
Although if I ever do make a List of Worst Head Sculps From G.I. Joe, Gnawgahyde would probably top that list as well.
Gnawgahyde looks like he is half trying to work his way through a painful bowel movement and half trying to perform a Billy Idol upper lip curl…
Dishonorable Mention: Dogfight
I have no idea why they made the character Dogfight like Wild Bill drawn into a Loony Toons or Merry Melodies cartoon.
Seriously, this guy looks like fellow mustached Dr. Mindbender spliced Wild Bill‘s DNA with Launchpad McQuack from Disney’s Ducktales!
Numerous Honorable Mentions include Roadblock, Mutt, Stalker, Zap, Leatherneck, Alpine, Back Blast, Heavy Metal…and many more!
Which G.I. Joe action figure sports your favorite mustache? Let me know in the comments below!
And please check out my other G.I. Joe lists including
- Top 4 G.I. Joe Vehicles You May Not Have Known Were Based On Real World Vehicles
- The Top Six G.I. Joes You Would NOT Want To Roll Into Actual Combat With.
- Top Five Holy Grail Play Sets Of The 1980s
- The Top Ten G.I.Joe Vehicles & Weapons You DON’T Want To Take Into Actual Combat