The 1980’s was a terrific decade for movies.
It was a time when movie producers understood that they didn’t need to take things too seriously and it was ok to simply have fun at the theaters.
Breakfast Club. Last Starfighter. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Ghostbusters….The list goes on and on.
Some of my favorites were the ‘Buddy’ movies such as 48 Hours, 3 Amigos, Lethal Weapon and Tango & Cash.
But what about all the Rad 80’s movies that could have been?
Here are some 1980’s movies that were NOT made but I think would have been big screen gems!
1 A Robocop/Short Circuit ‘Buddy Cop’ Movie
“Dead or alive, you are coming with me!” Says a gun pointing officer Murphy…while Johnny 5 is flirting with a coffee vending machine in the background…
In this Lethal Weapon-ish ‘Buddy Cop’ movie, the straight-laced ‘by the rules’ Officer Murphy (AKA Robocop), who is just too old for this $#!T with his new partner, the quirky, glitchy accident-prone Johnny 5 (from Short Circuit).
Both struggle in coming to terms with their humanity, or some crap like that, while hot on the heels of the evil criminal ED 209, voiced by 80’s character actor G.W. Bailey (Captain Thaddeus Harris from Police Academy).
We could probably even find a guest spot for Steve Gutenberg somewhere…if we had to.
2 The Predator vs. The Home Alone Kid
The great Ernest Hemingway once wrote “There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter” and the Predator lives its life by that quote!
And as we learned from Gary Busey in Predator II, The Predators are attracted to warm temperatures and violence!
So here is the set up from the pitch meeting:
Its 4th of July weekend and Chicago is in the midst of one of its hottest heatwaves in history. As any Chicagoan knows, when the temperature rises on the thermometer, the temperatures also rise on the streets….
….and for the sake of this movie, that same street violence extends to the affluent suburbs I guess, where our hero Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) was left behind by his parents…again. (Seriously, at what point does Child Protective Services step in?)
Anyway, as the ‘Wet Bandits‘ found out last Christmas, never give the kid with more resourcefulness than MacGuyver time to prepare for an attack!
3 Red Sonja / She-Ra Team Up
Anyone involved in the production of 1987’s The Masters Of The Universe should never be allowed near a movie studio again! (That has nothing to do with this list, it just needed to be said again)
Anyway, Red Sonja (Brigitte Nielsen) somehow finds herself in the world of Eternia and He-Man’s mini-skirted little sister She-Ra mistakes her for being aligned with the evil Hordak .
They engage in a brief sword fight that ends in a stalemate after She-Ra realizes Red Sonja is not evil and together they embark on an adventure to Hordak’s Castle to unlock the magical spell preventing Red Sonja from returning home.
While I am all about ‘Girl Power’ and female equality, for the sake of ticket sales in the machismo 80’s driven movie market, both ladies muscle-bound scantily clad male counterparts may be needed for cameos…
After all, Schwarzenegger was “Franchise Viagra” before Viagra (or even erectile dysfunction) were a thing!
4 In The Army Now 2: First Blood
The original Rambo movie was ahead of its time with its realistic look at PTSD and the mental state of soldiers returning home. I do not want to make light of that film or the seriousness of the topic.
The second film in the franchise however quickly delved into the pit of 80’s excessive, borderline cartoonish, machine gunning violence.
For the film on our list, a PTSD riddled John Rambo (Sly Stallone) is contacted by Pauly Shore (Pauly Shore…because the dude can only play himself), the screwball little brother he never knew he had, who is being hunted by the mob for somehow comically botching a bank heist for them.
Over the course of the 2 hour chase, Rambo teaches Pauly to take a more mature look at life while Pauly teaches Rambo to relax a little bit… If they don’t kill each other first!
The final scene of the movie has the two brothers, who have learned to get along, finding their previously thought to be dead mother, played by 80’s character actress Ann Ramsey (AKA The Evil Mother from Goonies, AKA Bill Belichick)
5 Space Jam Styled Bugs Bunny-Rocky movie
My favorite Bugs Bunny cartoon growing up was always Bunny Hugged: Bugs Bunny vs. The Crusher!
The merging of live action with cartoon characters saw highs (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?) and lows (Space Jam) in the 80’s.
Carrying the sports theme to the next level, Marvin Martian has recruited Drago (Dolph Lundgren) to train and lead his team against the Looney Toons crew, led of course by the boxer who single-handed won the Cold War for the side of democracy, Rocky Balboa (Sly Stallone)!
Provided the movie utilizes an 80’s synthesized score by Vince DiCola for a training montage again, I don’t see any way this film doesn’t clean up at the Oscars!
What are some 80’s film franchise team-ups you wish to see?
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