Top 15 “If 2020 Were A Person” Persons

To say “2020 has not gone as well as we hoped” would be like saying “Character actor Steve Buscemi might not be the best spokesperson for Invisalign.”

Since the toddler woke me up at 4 AM (again) this morning and I am sitting at my computer with some time on my hands, I decided to throw together a list of the Top 15 People Who Would Most Resemble The Year 2020, If 2020 Were A Person (or thing)

15. The Airplane from Con Air

I was originally going to go with Cyrus ‘The Virus’ from Con Air, but I bent the rules on this one by having the suggestion be a non-person. Please follow me on this analogy for a sec and it will make sense…

So the airplane is 2020 and Cyrus ‘The Virus’ is obviously the COVID19 virus trying to take over the plane (2020). So in this analogy, that means, at some point a muscular Dr. Anthony Fauci is gonna come busting through wearing a dirty wife-beater tank top and Billy Ray Cyrus early 90’s mullet to rescue us! Cool right?

Actually, wait a sec. The airplane crashed into the Las Vegas Strip at the end, didn’t it? Ok, never mind, on to number 14…

14. Alan Harper from 2 & 1/2 Men

The character of Alan Harper started off on 2 & 1/2 Men as a ‘down on his luck’ sensible every-man who just wanted to do right by his kid.

Before gradually becoming more and more of a sick, sleazy, disgusting pervert who consistently finds himself in hazardous, embarrassing situations over and over again.

Much like the year 2020!

13. David Lo Pan from Big Trouble In Little China

Speaking of heroes sporting mullets and dirty tank tops…

Seriously, some days all you want to do is pick up your green-eyed girlfriend from the airport and go about your day. Next thing you know, an un-seen mystical villain from China shows up and we are all waiting for mullet sporting ‘essential worker truck driver’ to rescue us from evil.

Not saying this would happen, but if Dr. Fauci pulls up to his next senate hearing behind the wheel of the Pork Chop Express, then we know.

12. Darko Milicic

If New Years Eve 2019 were the 2003 NBA draft, than 2020 Was without a doubt Darko Milicic!

Drafted ahead of basketball superstars Dwayne Wade, Carmelo Anthony and Chris Bosh, Darko was supposed to be an awesome can’t miss, sure thing! Like the year 2020 (with the 4th of July and Halloween both falling on Saturdays, Cinco de Mayo on a Tuesday…)

11. Spike from Gremlins

Like how the year 2020 was supposed to be, Spike is cute. Maybe a little mischievous (with Halloween falling on a Saturday and all). What could possibly go wrong?

If 2020 calendars had been marked “Don’t Feed After February”, maybe we could have avoided some of this…

Now if we are assigning a particular Mogwai strictly to the 2020 elections, rather than Spike, we’d have this guy…

10. Snarf from The Thundercats

No one will make you reach for the ‘fast forward’ button on the remote faster than this guy (except maybe the Honorable Mention on this list).

Snarf is just a cheap attempt at comic relief but, in reality, is your roommate’s super annoying house cat that just gets into everything, won’t stay off the kitchen counters, sheds hair on your clothes, makes annoying sounds at 3 AM and vomits on your carpet.

Basically, because he sheds, an even more annoying version of Jar Jar Binks.

9. Audrey II from Little Shop Of Horrors

A bully who constantly corrupts and devours those around him, that sounds like 2020.

You can’t convince me those mysterious seeds arriving from China this year aren’t going to grow into a whole bunch of Audrey II’s

8. Mr. Sweetchuck from Police Academy movies

I thought about using Louis Tully from Ghostbusters here, but I just feel like poor Mr. Sweetchuck from the Police Academy franchise never gets any love.

Just an innocent bystander passing through, trying to do his own thing but continually just getting beat up on by those around him. If that isn’t the Earth in the year 2020, I don’t know what is.

7. Windows ME

A slight rule bend once again by not being a person, but follow me for a sec again.

By a show of hands, who remembers Windows ME?

Well, if you don’t, don’t feel bad. You are one of the lucky ones.

Windows ME was supposed to be the new big innovation in computing when it was launched in 2000. However, right away, it was obvious the operating software was incomplete, prone to crashing, severely infested with bugs (and was an incomplete version of XP which was released a year later) that had been rushed out simply to meet an arbitrary release date.

(I worked at a Staples office supply store at the time and still remember the daily event of explaining to irate customers how opened software was not returnable by law. I got a death threat or two.)

So hopefully 2021 will be the complete and unflawed version of 2020 that is NOT prone to crashes and flaws!

6. Any Person From Human Centipede

Simply because we have all taken so much crap this year. That is as far as I am willing to go with this one…

5. “Karen”

Wikipedia (the Dewey Decimal System of this generation) describes a “Karen” as a pejorative term used in the United States and other English-speaking countries for a woman perceived as entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is appropriate or necessary. A common stereotype is that of a white woman who uses her privilege to demand her own way at the expense of others.

Well that is 2020. The “Karen” of the 21st century, just strolling into the 21st century storefront and just stirring $#!T up for not logical reason whatsoever!

4. A Rick Ashley YouTube Clip

It is December 2019 and things are going just fine. Life is good, we are just strolling through time listening to our favorite playlist and then… BAM!!!

We got sucker punched right in the groin by 2020 as if it were a Rick Ashtley YouTube Clip. Now that is 2020!

3. Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars Prequels

Cinco de Mayo on a Tuesday! 4th of July on a Saturday! Halloween on a Saturday night! 2020 was supposed to be the best year ever!

Much like how Anakin Skywalker was supposed to be the best Jedi ever!

2020, You were the chosen one! You were supposed to bring balance to the universe! Not leave it in darkness!!!

2. Any Expendable Red Shirt From Star Trek

Anyone who has ever seen a Star Trek movie knows a red shirt equals one thing: Cannon fodder. A red shirted crew member (not named Scotty) had about as much of a surviving chance in the episode as Sean Bean does in any film.

J.J. Abrams even made a point of killing a red shirt in his 2009 reboot of the franchise as fan service to this joke.

Which raises the point, of all the mask to wear during the 2020 pandemic, I don’t think this is the one I’d roll with…

1. Mayhem From The AllState Commercials

Was there ever any doubt? With all the insanity, drama and damage 2020 has already seen, who else but Mayhem could possibly have been #1?

And we haven’t even gotten to the election yet!?!

Honorable Mention: Jar Jar Binks

All racial sensitivity jokes aside, I mostly remember Jar Jar has a horrible annoyance that made me want to hit the fast forward button on my remote every time he appeared on the screen.

Much like a hairless Snarf from the Thundercats, which is why Jar Jar lost his spot to Snarf.

Well, that is my list.

Who did I miss?

Comment below with who else you think belongs on this list.

If you enjoyed my list, please check out some of my previous Top Lists.

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