When Sean Spicer decided to step away from the role of Donald Trump’s Press Secretary, I made a list of the Top 10 Fictional Characters That Would Be Awesomely Entertaining As White House Press Secretary.
(I still think Sean Spicer looks like the T-1000 Terminator after a weekend Krispy Kreme binge.)
Now with word coming out last week that current Secretary of Defense, General Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis will be resigning his role in February, I thought I’d do my patriotic duty and assist the Commander In Chief by formulating a short list of possible nominations to fill the soon to be vacated role.
With the “Donald” all over the news, the Juice (O.J.) being loose, the United States butting heads with Russia and Drago being seen on the big screen again, if you didn’t own a calendar, you’d swear it was the 1980’s all over again.
So with that in mind, I decided to keep my suggested fictional characters isolated to the decade of excess: 1980’s.
As with my Press Secretary List, by no means am I making a statement for or against the Trump administration, the Republican Party, the Democratic Party, the Libertarian Party, slumber parties or any Star Trek Landing Party anywhere. This is simply a list meant for humor and not to be taken seriously anyone anywhere in any way whatsoever.
Here are Geeky Daddy’s Top 10 1980’s Fictional Characters That Would Be Awesomely Entertaining As Trump’s New Secretary of Defense (in no particular order).
Darth Vader from Star Wars
How could any list not include the O.G. of the Dark side! I know I am bending my main parameter here a little (Vader first appeared in Star Wars in 1977) but Darth Vader commanded the armed forces for the Emperor of the galaxy! That is one heck of a ‘Previous Work History’ bullet to have on your resume!
The only real downside of this appointment that I can see is that Trump might view this as an opportunity to re-name the position of ‘President’ to ‘Emperor’.
Colonel Sandurz from Space Balls
We know a couple things about Colonel Sandurz from Space balls (the greatest Star Wars parody of all time). He has command experience of a vast military force, has no trouble following orders and is already familiar with a President that may not be the brightest light saber in the known galaxy…
Colonel Sanders from KFC
In the fast food wars of the ‘Far East’, Colonel Sanders has proven to be capable of invading new lands, conquering his competition and holding market share against multiple invaders. While the Colonel was not created in the 1980’s, that is the decade where his Kentucky Fried Chicken saw its greatest expansion.
The Colonel may be outranked by his Chinese counterpart, General Tso, however he does come up with creatively ingenious ways of marketing his product!
Admiral Benson from Hot Shots
By far the best character from either of the Hot Shots movies, Lloyd Bridges stole every scene his nutty battle ridden character Admiral Benson was in. Can you imagine how outstanding his press conferences would be?
While not exactly inspiring confidence and with less of an intimidating presence than Vader, I think Admiral Benson would fit right into Washington without much effort.
And did he remind anyone else of Ross Perot’s 1992 running mate Admiral Stockdale?
Khan from Star Trek II
The late great actor Ricardo Montalban as Khan Noonien Singh in Star Trek II had such a soothingly hypnotic voice that he could convince anyone to follow him into battle by saying pretty much anything.
I mean seriously, he could be reading lines of text from spam emails and as long as he followed it up with a line or two of Shakespeare or Herman Melville, I’d be down to follow him in combat no questions asked.
Drago from Rocky IV
With all the dialogue about this administration’s ties to Russia (legit or not: this article is not here to judge), you knew Russia’s most famous fictional boxer was going to be making an appearance on this list somewhere.
Nothing defined the 1980’s more than Rocky IV. The story, the villain, the music, the training montages, the cars, the stupid robot butler…everything about this film screamed 80’s excess.
Ivan Drago was this physically intimidating colossal titan of communism who invaded our land, killed Chubbs from Happy Gilmore and was determined to ruin our way of life. That is, until he squared off against a star-spangled-boxing-shorts wearing Rocky Balboa who defeated him while teaching an entire arena of Soviets how to love.
With Drago having a seat in Trump’s cabinet, any nation will think twice before wanting to go a few rounds with us! #MURICA!
Crimson Twins from G.I. Joe
In the G.I. Joe comic books and Sunbow animated series, the Crimson Twins (Tomax and Xamot) ran the corporate white collar front for Cobra called Extensive Enterprises (there couldn’t possibly be a better 80’s corporate name than that?). These two are just as comfortable, ruthless and deadly in a suit and power tie as they are in combat.
And it would be awesome to flip on Fox News and see an interview with anyone wearing these outfits and finishing each other’s sentences.
WOPR (War Operation Plan Response) from War Games
Skynet felt a little too obvious of a choice and all this talk of G.I. Joe and Rocky has gotten my mind stuck on good old 80’s cold war nostalgia.
We have reached the age where we leave everything else in the hands of Artificial Intelligence, so why should the armed forces be any different? Unlike Skynet, WOPR did learn the futility of global thermal nuclear war by the end of his movie.
Miles Mayhem from MASK
The 1980’s loved acronyms nearly as much as Star Wars fans love to hate The Last Jedi!
Miles Mayhem is best remembered as the leader of V.E.N.O.M. (Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem), the arch enemy of Matt Tracker and M.A.S.K. (Mobile Armored Strike Kommand).
Mayhem is a proven military commander who could step right into the role of SecDef. He even comes with a spiffy looking uniform and has that grandfatherly Wilford Brimley mustache thing going on!
Although I am not sure why “Kommand” is spelled with a “K”. Sound like more Russian collusion to anyone else? Or would that be German? I don’t know.
Bernie from Weekend At Bernie’s
Whether you support him or hate him, let’s be honest about who President Trump really wants working for him: someone who will sit there quietly, won’t question him and that can be propped up and go along with whatever he says. You know, other than Pence.
Enter Bernie Lomax from the hit 1980’s comedy Weekend At Bernie’s!
What? You didn’t think I meant Bernie Sanders did you?
Honorable Mentions:
Jobu from Major League
As long as the enemy aren’t throwing curve balls at us, Jobu from the comedy Major League could be a solid choice.
Would you start a war with a rum drinking voodoo practitioner? I wouldn’t.
The Brain from Pinky & the Brain
Are you pondering what I am pondering? If it is that the Brain from Pinky & the Brain may be a little too aggressive for the role, then yeah.
Sgt. Slaughter from Professional Wrestling & G.I. Joe
This option may fall outside the parameters meant for this list in that Donald Trump may not realize that professional wrestling is fiction. But he does have experience in the WWE…
C. Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons
Actually, maybe Mr. Burns from the Simpsons would be better suited for Secretary of Commerce…
Yosemite Sam from Looney Toons
This choice would make for the best press conferences hands down!
What do you think of my list? Who did I miss? Let me know in the comments below and please share and “Like” our content!
Geeky Daddy 