Last year I created my list of the Top Ten G.I.Joe Vehicles & Weapons You DON’T Want To Take Into Actual Combat and it was very well received (in my opinion at least).
So I am following that up with Geeky Daddy’s Top Six G.I. Joes You Do NOT Want To Roll Into Actual Combat With.
So first off, here is the criteria I used to compile this list: General Hawk approached me and told me that he was sending me on a special mission to Cobra Island with only one other Joe of my choosing. Only one soldier with me for fire support, survival assistance, combat and to carry me back home if I get shot (It could happen, Vipers do have slightly better aim than Storm Troopers after all).
Quite a few Joes would make that list including obvious choices like Snake Eyes, Stalker and Duke. Road Block would be awesome too! He could lay down overwhelming suppression fire with his 50 caliber and whip up a tasty meal as well! No MRE’s on this excursion!
But this list is about the Joes that I would not trust to drag my tuchus out of the fire!
Disclaimer: I am only pulling from the 1982 series I to 1991 series X. Series XI started the Eco Warriors, Drug Enforcement, neon colored weapons and other nonsense of whose existence I refuse to acknowledge.
Geeky Daddy’s Top Ten G.I. Joes You Do NOT Want To Roll Into Actual Combat With.
Of all the Joes on the roster, Chief Petty Officer Hector Delgado is probably one of the first Joes I would call on to go bar hopping with. His Devil-May-Care attitude and complete lack of fear of rejection from the ladies may make the perfect wingman to go clubbing with.
He personifies the person you want to plan your bachelor party because he knows every shady bar, speak easy and strip club on the globe. He is also the perfect alibi for when your fiancee comes to bail you out of jail the next morning. You can just point at Shipwreck and say “He is the reason I woke up pant-less on the streets of New Orleans with this new tattoo that I have no memory of.”
But when I’m going into a potential fire fight, I want the dude covering me to come armed with more than a single shot flintlock percussion pistol! Seriously, what century is this again! Is he preparing to go into a duel with someone that offended Polly’s honor?
A well trained soldier should be able to fire up to 3 aimed shots a minute with this type of weapon. What the hell good is that against fully automatic firearms? “Hold on Geeky Daddy! I already fired a shot, so in another 20 seconds or so, I’ll be able to fire another. Then, boy, will these guys be in trouble!”
Even then, flintlock pistols were notoriously inaccurate at ranges beyond 40 ft. I’ve had co-workers whose bad breath that could take out a target from longer ranges than that before.
I’d be better off with his parrot Polly simply slinging profanity at the Cobras.
Scoop was technically a ‘real Joe’ in the same way that Go-Bots are technically the same as Transformers. (Spoiler alert: they are not the same)
According the Scoop’s bio: Scoop was chosen by Congress to observe and document G.I. Joe’s actions for evaluation on behalf of a congressional committee.
So, you know how you see videos of a little guy getting the living piss beat out of him by a bunch of big guys and a half dozen people stand around filming it on their cell phones but none lift a finger to help the little guy out? Well Scoop is basically one of those douchebags filming with the cell phone camera.
So rest assured, when the Vipers are shooting me up from multiple positions, Scoop will be right there streaming it right to YouTube for all the world to see.
His obsession with filming everything also makes him the last guy I’d want to invite to the previously mentioned Shipwreck planned bachelor party.
4. The Fridge
Hasbro enjoyed tremendous success with their team-up with ‘real life’ hero Sgt. Slaughter and wanted to duplicate that success the following year.
I have written previously how G.I. Joe initially planned on recruiting Sylvester Stallone’s Rocky Balboa as their new trainer. Heck, in 1985 he single handedly defeated communism and brought about the downfall of the Soviet Union.
G.I. Joe was so excited to bring the Italian Stallion on board that they published his bio in the 1987 comic book G.I. Joe: Order Of Battle #2 before Stallone even signed the contract.
Course, then Coleco came along and offered Stallone more money to make an entire cartoon and toy line based off his other democracy defending persona Rambo.
In a mad scramble to find a real world replacement, Hasbro turned to 1986 Super Bowl Champion William ‘The Refrigerator” Perry…who was not quite in the same cardiovascular shape as Stallone.
Sorry, I started playing the Rocky IV soundtrack in my head and got sidetracked a little bit…
My point is that while partnering up with ‘The Fridge’ in combat would have at least one benefit: he is the size of a mountain and could block a ton of bullets that were meant for me. However if the object of the mission were a distance of more than 100 yards, would he be able to keep up? When is the last time he covered more than 10 yards at a time? And how could we possibly pack enough provisions for him?
Not to mention his weapon is football attached to a stick. While it does appear to be made of metal or iron and I’m sure could do a ton of damage to person really close to him, I’m not sure how effective it will be against an enemy at a range of more than arm’s distance….armed with a firearm!
3. Psyche Out
Psyche-Out was released in the 1987 G.I. Joe line up which was about the time I began losing interest in G.I Joe as a kid. Mainly because this is when they began going from legitimate military inspired vehicles, weapons and themes to science-fiction inspired nonsense like Psyche-Out. I mean just what the hell is going on with this guy? I used to pretend he was G.I. Joe’s cyborg and have him go up against Cobra’s B.A.T.’s.
According to his bio: Psyche-Out’s primary military specialty is psy-ops, and his secondary military specialty is social services counselor. He earned his psychology degree from Berkeley and worked on various research projects involving the inducement of paranoia by means of low frequency radio waves.
“Help! I’m pinned down by enemy fire! Cover me with a barrage of…low frequency radio waves?” Nah, give me Roadblock with his 50 cal. ‘Ma Duece’ any day.
I’m trying to keep this list on somewhat of a realistic level by not including specialists that normally would not find themselves in frontline combat (such as the firefighter Barbecue or the hazardous materials expert Airtight).
While Mainframe’s primary military speciality is computer technology, his bio does list infantry as his secondary military speciality. This makes him eligible for my list. He even has a small sidearm holster on the right side of his chest (Walther PPK maybe?) which interestingly indicates he is left handed.
But unless he can sling 5 1/4″ floppy disks at the enemy in the same manor Storm Shadow slings throwing stars, he is about as useless in a fire fight as a Dolby Surround Sound system to Helen Keller.
Seriously, check out his accessories!
The lap top (if you can call it that) looks like it must weigh 30 pounds! And does he really need to carry a Honda diesel generator on his back! That thing probably weighs 50 pounds! Mainframe would have a hard time on rucks keeping up with the Fridge!
And what is the walkie-talkie attached to it for? Who is he talking to? His Call of Duty buddies
Something else that always sort of bugged me about Mainframe, and this is really nit-picking I understand, is his face sculpt, especially around the mouth. I always thought the sculptor gave him the worst resting bitch face in the entire G.I. Joe line. Well, maybe next to Steam Roller
What is the term for the male version of resting bitch face anyway? Resting A-hole face? Resting Bastard-Face?
I am putting Lifeline at the top of my list of unwanted support troops based off the pacifist character on the Sunbow Cartoon and in the Marvel comic books. His action figure file card bio left out any reference to pacifism.
According to the Sunbow Cartoon, Lifeline was a pacifist and didn’t carry a firearm. He was so much of a pacifist that in his first appearance in the animated series, he even refused to assist Lift Ticket in arming a Tomahawk helicopter. His extreme and (intentionally?) annoying level of pacifism even put his G.I.Joe teammates in harm’s way multiple times in the series.
In the Marvel comic book series, writer Larry Hama (a Vietnam war veteran himself) did an excellent job throughout the run of the series keeping G.I. Joe grounded in the ‘real world’ while being obligated by Hasbro to continuously introduce new and increasingly outlandish vehicles and characters. Gotta sell toys to pay those billz!
Hama addressed Lifeline’s pacifism in an intelligent way in G.I. Joe Special Missions issue #4 by making Lifeline a black belt in Aikido. Aikido is a defensive Japanese martial art that focuses on joint locks, throws and redirecting the opponents momentum, rather than strikes. This was a great way to show that while not wanting to fight, Lifeline is still able to defend himself.
He may even be the most well known Aikido martial artist not named Steven Seagal!
Having said that and while having a medic with you in combat can’t be under valued, I would still list being able to pick up a rifle and return fire pretty darn high on the list of appreciated attributes of a person going into combat with me!
It would also be nice if that same medic was not wearing an extremely bright red & white colored outfit. It is one thing to not be in camouflage, it is a completely other thing to be able to be spotted from a mile away!
While his outfit makes sense for a civilian EMT, no one wants to march into any theater of combat with a guy cosplaying a damn fire engine!
It is worth pointing out that when Kellogg cereals decided to do a mail away exclusive G.I. Joe figure with their Rice Krispies line in 1991, Lifeline’s character was the perfect fit. With Rice Krispies being marketed towards young children, Kellogg did not want a figure with a gun mold or gun accessory. So his silver automatic pistol was left behind and the gun and knife molds were removed from his left leg. Hooded Cobra Commander actually noticed that the legs used for this figure were lifted from Frostbite and simply re-colored.
That was my list of Vintage 3/34″ G.I. Joes that I would NOT want to roll into combat with.
Who do you think I left out? Who would make your list?
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