This article is not a political statement of any kind and is for entertainment purposes only.
By no means am I making a statement for or against the Trump administration, the Republican Party, the Democratic Party, any Star Trek Landing Party or speech podiums anywhere.
This is simply a list of fictional characters that I think would hold entertaining press conferences that I would tune in to watch…or at least DVR and watch late at night while feeding the baby.
History Professor Terguson from Back To School
Sam Kinison’s Professor Terguson going off on a profanity laced tangent, ripping the top off the presidential sealed podium and hurdling it at a Washington Post reporter would be worth the price of a general admission ticket by itself.
There were many funny parts of the movie Back To School, but this one has been immortalized.
Drago from Rocky IV
The “Donald” is all over the news, the Juice (O.J.) is loose, there is a lot of Karate Kid talk & the United States is butting heads with Russia. If you didn’t own a calendar, you’d swear it was the 80’s all over again. (what’s next? Women’s shoulder pads?)
And did anything scream “1980’s” more than the movie Rocky IV? (Hint: If you said anything other than “no”, you are wrong.)
With all the dialogue about this administrations ties to Russia (legit or not: this article is not here to judge), you knew Russia’s most famous fictional boxer was going to be making an appearance on this list somewhere.
Conan the Barbarian
While Conan’s skill set is probably more suited for Secretary of Defense (seriously, wouldn’t you think twice about going to war with a country knowing this dude commands their military?), he would be far more entertaining and provide many more memorable quotes, as Press Secretary.
If anyone is not familiar with Master Ken’s web series “Enter The Dojo“, you should really take a few minutes out of your work day (like during that conference call you aren’t paying attention during anyway) and check out a few of the episodes. Think of it as “Enter the Dragon” meets the “Office” meets a case of Bud Light.
Matt Page’s egocentric “Master Ken” is the self taught master of his own martial art style called “Ameri-Do-Te”, in which he has an 11th degree black belt!
In other words, he is the “Chuck Norris” of his own fictional reality.
Who could possibly make a better White House Press Secretary than that!?!
Macho Man Randy Savage
This would work best with the Macho Man of the late 1980’s with the crazy flamboyant wardrobe, that iconic entrance music and the lovely Miss Elizabeth escorting him out to the podium.
And to really top it off, lets embed Mean Gene Okerlund into press row just so we could have a sequel to the incoherent ramble that was his unforgettable “cream of the crop” promo…
A White House aid could even provide the press with complimentary Slim Jims!
Skeletor from Masters of the Universe
I would love to see Skeletor (skull capped staff in hand of course) waltz out to the podium to reveal the President’s new stance on global warming or economic policy and then field confrontational questions from the media.
You know he would slip up at some point and refer to the White House as “Snake Mountain” or Kellyanne Conway as “Evil-Lyn”.
And there has never been a better master of G-Rated insults than Skeletor!
Any Gilbert Gottfried character ever (they are all just as obnoxious)
I was trying to think of one Gilbert Gottfried character in particular to use here, but no iconic characters of his came to mind. Maybe the Aflac duck? Maybe Mr. Peabody from the Problem Child movies?
Then I realized why none in particular stood out. Because they were all the DAMN SAME OBNOXIOUS THING!
This hire would be brilliant for this administration because reporters would not want to ask Gottfried anything because no-one wants to hear that audible WMD of a voice come out of his mouth!
Foghorn Leghorn from Loony Toons
If you didn’t love the Loony Toons where Foghorn Leghorn matched wits with the little Chicken Hawk, well than Son, I say there Son, I am calling you communist right now!
I can just see Foghorn Leghorn now introducing to press row our new Secretary of Defense: Yosemite Sam!
Can’t you just picture one of the Trump kids backstage trying to bark orders at Foghorn and Foghorn talking back to them as if they were little Chicken Hawks?
The Narrator from The Dukes of Hazzard
Officially known as “The Balladeer” and voiced by Waylon Jennings, the omnipresent voice-over of the Balladeer would appear over a freeze-frame of a jumping bright orange General Lee Dodge Charger to interject a humorous line (or down-home country saying) just at the point of a cliffhanger (otherwise known as “commercial brake”)
Can’t you just picture a news reporter hitting the press secretary with some damning, “smoking gun” piece of evidence and a freeze frame appearing over Sean Spicer (obviously I wrote this before he was fired) with a voice over saying “UH-OH! How are them Trump boys gonna get outta this one!”
Anybody else notice Spicer looks a lot like the T-1000 from Terminator 2 after one to many Krispy Kreme benders?
Jobu from Major League
He may not of been able to help Cerrano hit a curve ball in the movie Major League, but if you were a reporter and Jobu was up on the podium staring back at you, you know you’d be tossing up softball questions for him to answer.
Obviously we know what his answer would be to any question asked by the press.
But ask yourself, is it really any different than the canned, non-committal responses we get from politicians now?
Officer Zed from the Police Academy movies
Sherriff Buford T. Justice from Smokey & The Bandit
Teller (the mute from Penn & Teller)
The Brain (from Pinky & the Brain)
The Ultimate Warrior
C. Montgomery Burns
Stewie Griffin from Family Guy